"No Proof of Wrong"

Ding Dong - Gonzo's Gone! Project M is still celebrating yesterday's resignation of Attorney General Alberto "Fredo" Gonzales. Finally, the most corrupt and incompetent Attorney General this country has ever seen threw in the towel on his portion of the Bush Administration's chicken fight with Congress. I must admit, I didn't think it was gonna happen. Even Slate magazine took down their Gonzo watch earlier this summer based on the discouraging signs that Gonzo would never surrender. Tellingly, the Decider did not comment on the resignation with Fredo at his side, but did spit out this classic “This is a man who has testified, he’s sent thousands of papers up there. There’s no proof of wrong.”
Taking aside the traditional Bush grammatical massacre, it's as if Bush is daring Congress,taunting them to "catch" him and his band of criminals. It's "Na, Na Na, - You got Nothing on me!" It represents the administration's attitude perfectly - that they can skate above the law (or entirely decimate it) trample the Constitution and generally engage in whatever version of morality they want because their opponents technically "got nothing" on them.
And this talking point has worked in the past. The Right Wing noise machine was already in over-drive on the media coverage yesterday, moaning about "What crime did Gonzales actually commit here?" But this technique (already overplayed from the Valerie Plame scandal) faces some very "pesky" facts with everyone from Monica Goodling, to FBI Director Robert Muller contradicting Fredo, and irrefutably revealing his status as a serial perjurer. That Bush finally did throw his beloved Fredo overboard, signifies that despite his very public bravado, Congress is closing in.

Although elated, I'm also a little wary of the timing on this one - it's not looking as pretty the morning after. After all, Turd Blossom and Fredo resigning within mere weeks of each other - what diabolical recess appointment could possibly be in the works? I'm sure Democrats will find a spectacular way to squander their momentum here (probably by immediately confirming some other retarded Bush water carrier like Chertoff as his replacement).

Nevertheless, Project M must rejoice in whatever semi-victory lap the cosmos throws our way however brief. It has put a smug smile on my face the past two days and an extra spring in my step (although when I tried to explain why - I get the usual "Alberto who?" from my co-workers). Sigh. God Bless America indeed.

Gonzolas Resigns to Spend More Time Not Recalling His Family

Alberto Gonzales announced that he is stepping down today to spend more not remembering crucial information about his family. In a written statement the Attorney General claimed that he was proud of his misservice to the American people, and would look back fondly on the good work that he had profoundly undone during his tenor. "Though I am unable to confirm at this time whether or not the damage I have inflicted on the constitution and rule of law is permanent, I leave knowing that I have done all I can. Now I must resign from public life, so I can devote my time to throughly undermining the relationships I hold most dear: my wife, and presumably my children, if I have any, though I can not specially recall any of their names, ages, or locations, I can assure you that if they do exist, that they were raised in an appropriate fashion." Administration officials confirmed that his bubbling maladministration would be greatly missed, and his utter lack of leadership would be hard to replace. Still, they say that Mr. Gonzales is ready to begin the quite life of forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, and middle names, and hopes to one day have the opportunity to commit perjuy in a private civil matter

Desperately Seeking a New "Turd Blossom"

When Project M first heard the news this morning that Karl Rove had resigned "to spend more time with his family" we were shocked. "Karl Rove has a family? Do they know that?"

We'll let others compile lists of Karl's infamy. For us, there is a more pressing concern that needs to be addressed. Rove's resignation leaves a gaping hole in our national body politic that must filled immediately:

Who will the Democrats be irrationally terrified of now?

They must be devastated. The Democrats desperately needed Rove's alleged omnipotent "genius" to justify their instinct to wimp out at the first sign of ANY confrontation no matter how much the public/facts/law/human decency was on their side. Rove has been such an effective boogie man for so long, and the Democrats are such perfectly knee-jerk sissy pants, they were seemly made for each other. Rove was Lucy to their Charlie Brown, Jack Nicholson to their Shelly Duvall, Old Man Withers to their Scooby Doo.

Oh, what will the Dems do now? What will be their excuse the next time they down flush their principles down the toilet? That they had to - or else John Boehner will.. start crying again?

We feel it is truly the destiny of this Blog to help the Democrats in this hour of need. For the rest of the week, Project M will be taking suggestions for the new Democrat-pantswetter-in-chief and we'll announce the winner next week. I'll get this party started with our own top five suggestions

The Democratic Party will now shred the constitution at Cheney's whim because they are deathly afraid of....

1. Lactose

2. Mitt Romneny's Magic Underwear

3. The Number 13

4. Dennis Hastert's sweat stains

5. The the dreaded "Double Guantanamo"

“The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men Often Go Astray”

I went out drinking with some friends last week and spent much of the time listening to a friend of friend spin an elaborate web of conspiracy theories. Several beers had been consumed by that point, and I couldn’t keep track of it all. The best I can hope for is to remember how the world lined up on the ol’ Good and Evil flow chart.

Evil

The Federal Government

Ms. Magazine

Democracy

The CIA

Child Protective Services

Military Industrial Complex

China

Women’s Suffrage

Marriage Licenses

Birth Certificates

Vaccinations

Taxes

Christianity

Al Gore

The 9/11 “cover up”

Good

The Founding Fathers

Gold

The Free Market

I forget what his moral was. Perhaps he was simply angry that the Feds were attempting to regulate the sale of his miniature gold statues of Alexander Hamilton. None of this was new to me though. Growing up in Utah, I’m no stranger to conspiracy theories. La Verkin, Utah once tried to pass a city ordinance outlawing the U.N., completely thwarting that bastard Kofi Anan’s plan to institute one world government by taking over La Verkin’s precious sheep resources. I’ve had my fill of trying to reason with these people, and normally I don’t waste much mental energy attempting to refute these things, but the 9/11 ones really bother me. As a joke, my brother sent me this film “Zeitgeist” where it explains how 9/11 was really a plot by the military industrial complex to get whatever it wanted from the U.S. Government. Think about that for one second. 9/11 was after Bush/Cheney were already elected. Let's examine why that is significant in the form of a one act play

Act 1

Scene 1

January 2, 2001. The shadowy head of the Military industrial complex enters the oval office.

Shadowy Head of the Military Industrial Complex: "Hey, can we have everything we’ve ever wanted?"

President Cheney: "Sure."

Finis

What bothers me about this stuff isn’t how flawed their arguments are, it’s that so much time and energy goes into exposing the non-existence crime of the "9/11 cover up" when we had an actual documented conspiracy to start a war in Iraq, and no one has been held accountable for it. To justify it’s chosen invasion of Iraq, the government, lied to us, spied on us, manufactured evidence, broke the law, and tortured American citizens. All of this has been openly admitted, or is supported by mountains of evidence. Where’s the conspiracy love? Why can’t Iraq get some crazy theory action?

I have a hypothesis as to why this is. Iraq proves just how unbelievably difficult an actual conspiracy is. Here you did have supremely powerful forces. They had a specific plan to remake the entire Middle East. They were willing and able to break any and all laws to achieve their plan. They were willing to lie to the media, the military, and the American people to justify and drum up support for their plan.

And what happened? It blew up in their face.

Reality interceded. The most powerful nation on earth was brought to its knees by 14 year olds with I.E.D.s

What the Iraq debacle proves is how chaotic and uncontrollable the world truly is. But that is exactly what conspiracy theorists don’t want to hear. That’s odd thing about them: they want the world to be controlled by dark and sinister forces. They want to be assured that everything is always planned, even if the plan is a diabolical one. That belief does two things: it both explains and excuses their own powerlessness, and it prevents them from having to confront what they really fear. Not that an evil cabal is running the world, but that maybe no one is.

That’s the truth that’s really terrifying.

"See Dick Run"

He's neither here nor there. Depending on his mood, he is both in and not in his undisclosed location. He has no formal power, yet he's been running our government for six years. Our primitive journalistic techniques will never be able to precisely locate where the fuck he is in our system of government. He is the unstable particle of a radioactively decaying Presidency.

He is: Dick Cheney: Quantum Douche Bag.

Yes, Dick Cheney claims he exists in some metaphysical constitutional limbo. He claims to be neither within the legislative nor executive branch - but a governmental entity unto himself. He is a shadow, a vapor, a fog enveloping the Constitution in darkness, unknowable, untraceable, and unaccountable.

Essentially, he has anointed himself, the fourth branch of government. This theory has been laughed off as ridiculously absurd by most of the mainstream media (What is he, part of the legislexecutive branch? Does he think that we are all five years old?) Unfortunately, this turn of events is not quite as funny as it should be. It serves to highlight the tragicomedy we are all living through in America where Cheney's other equally laughable claims—that the President is above the law, that secrecy equals democracy, that patriotism requires only silent obedience—have been treated far too seriously by the U.S. press.

The fact that we even debated (much less implemented) the deranged theories of this cruel, paranoid, dishonest sociopath will stain our nation for a long time to come. But like a rabid dog stuck in a corner, Dick is scared. Whatever fucking position this Evil Emperor claims he occupies in the U.S. government is going to end very soon, and with it whatever claims of immunity he has - no matter how ridiculous.

You see, Dick has been a bad, bad boy. He is the heart of darkness within this administration, and he knows the time of reckoning for his sins is near. How to get out of that trap? Simple - see Dick shred evidence. Cheney's actions aren't crazy. They're all too sane, and all too familiar. He will lie, cheat, and stonewall, like he's always done, and count on everyone to back off, as they always have.

We must not let that happen. All of his dark secrets must come to light. It will be unpleasant, shining a flashlight on a roach motel always is - but if this country our ever going to recover from Cheneyism, we must know exactly how we turned to the dark side. Darth Cheney's story must be told, even if it means siting through the Democrats doing their best impersonation of Jar Jar Binks.

No Confidence in Current Events

Okay, I knew that this week was going to suck after suffering through "The Sopranos" series finale on HBO Sunday night.
Not only was that episode totally bogus but I've had the very unpleasant side effect of that stupid Journey song being stuck in my head ALL WEEK LONG! David Chase is not a genius, just another sadistic asshole like our President, accountable to no one.
Then, on Monday the much anticipated Gonzales "No confidence" vote goes down in flames, and Gonzo lives to fuck up another day. Tuesday revealed that Hilary is polling ahead among single women and young women - the two demographics LEAST likely to actually vote in any election.
On Wednesday, the Middle East was back in flames with the destruction of a revere red Shiite mosque in Baghdad. I ran a 5k, suffered through corporate consultants subjecting our entire office to "productivity personality tests," got a parking ticket, picked a fight with an evangelical Mother over school vouchers, and forgot to pay my water bill. By Thursday morning things were looking a little brighter with Scooter Libby actually going to jail (at least until the pardon) Paris Hilton is still in jail, and Bush's approval ratings sticking at an all-time low. Can't wait for tomorrow's document dump! We could end the week on a high note after all.

Celebrities are Criminals too!

Not since O.J.'s fateful ride in the White Bronco has our pathetic "mainstream" media been collectively drooling at the prospect of non-stop coverage of a celebrity perp walk. Even CNN International has apparently decided to drop the facade that they still cover serious News, and resume live coverage of the order of Paris Hilton back to jail; or rather Judge Michael T. Sauer's attempt to order Paris back to jail, since we all know by now that rich blondes can't really be expected to actually sit in jail for breaking LAWS that apply only to mere mortals.