Plan "Mitt" from Outer Space

Mitt Romney has pulled ahead of John McCain in the ever tightening race for “who can make the most bizarre boneheaded statements in a single primary campaign.”

Mitt’s been trying his best but, clearly had a steep hill to climb after McCain decided to turn nuclear war in the mid-east into his own private Broadway musical.

Romney’s no quitter though. He may have just fired the most impressive salvo yet in the Republican war of “anything you can do I can do dumber.” When a reporter recently asked what was his favorite novel of all time, the wannabee Republican nominee answered "Battlefield Earth" by L. Ron Hubbard.

Yep, you heard right the Mormon candidate's favorite work of fiction is - the Scientologist's Bible. Just when you are trying to convince middle America that you are NOT a member of a wacky religious cult you admit that you love
literature written by - the controversial founder of America's wackiest religious cult. And as a bonus, you have now forever associated yourself with Tom Cruise and John Travolta in gold dread locks. Nice! Nothing says “Presidential” like dreadlocks and nose rings.

I guess when your name is synonymous with a baseball glove your lack of dazzling intellect is bound to catch up with you. However, Romney has inspired us here at Project M. Who is wackier? Scientology? Mormonism? It’s a battle we feel obligated to resolve.

America deserves nothing less.

Tune in next week for the stunning conclusion.

Mormons: Raw and Uncensored

The two part Frontline episode actually began last night but I was busy watching the Jazz lose to the Rockets . I'll be watching both halves later this week, but I'm a little sceptical. Frontline normally does great work, but I have a feeling this is going to be a bit of a puff piece. We'll see if they have the guts to mention cool stuff like secret handshakes and magic underwear, as well as not so cool stuff like Mark Hoffman and the Mountain Meadows Massacre.

George Tenet Exposes Himself

George Tenet’s half-assed mea culpa comes a day late and a dollar short. I really hope nobody rewards this spaghetti-spined enabler by buying his book of completely yawn worthy revelations. Bush was hell bent on war with Iraq? No! You don’t say! Bush fixed the intelligence to justify the invasion? Stunning. Only the majority of American’s have figured that out by now. And really, thanks for sharing all this now instead of when you were running the CIA in the build up to war and could’ve actually done something about it. Sorry George, history will be kicking your pathetic ass to the same gutter of disgrace as the rest of the neo-cons. Confessing to 60 Minutes ain’t gonna change that.

However, Tenet’s book is extremely revealing in a completely unintended way. Not about the war, but about the media. What makes his “expose” utterly redundant is a far more important Whitehouse official has admitted repeatedly that the President lied in the build up to the war. That man? Why none other than George W. himself.

Bush has stated repeatedly that “knowing everything he knows now” he would still have invaded Iraq. He’s said it many times to many different journalists. Yet not one ever asks the obvious and critical follow up question: “Doesn’t that mean you lied to the American people prior to the war?” Bush consistently asserted before the invasion that war was not inevitable. He promised if Saddam would just disarm then he wouldn’t need to live out his oedipal complex by one-upping daddy. Of course “what we know now” is when Bush was pointing to the escape hatch of disarmament, Saddam was completely, utterly armless.

What Bush says now is that there never was an escape hatch. I’m no “logictian” but it seems that Bush was either lying then or he’s lying now. Hmmm…the President publicly admitting to lying; that sounds vaguely important. Possibly even a “story” that would interest a “journalist” since the “war” has turned into a “clusterfuck of horror” and the “stupidest decision in human history.” But the media, like W, are in their own little bubble where 9/11 apparently gave our fearless leader a coupon book of full of free passes for corruption, incompetence, and law breaking. Jack Murtha mentioned impeachment on Face the Nation and Bob Schieffer couldn’t have been more horrified had Murtha started masturbating live on camera. “What? Impeach the President? Just because he’s a dangerously incompetent moron who’s committed at least eight impeachable offensives? Are you crazy? He hasn’t even used his two-for-one assassination voucher yet!”

Satan Also Against a Flat Tax.

Sometimes I wonder if I have it in me to update this site with enough humor and wit to keep y'all coming back. It is a real challenge with a full time job and Ginny out of town for two weeks. Thank God for my homeboys in Utah; they always come through in the clutch. I could spend a month on a post and not come up with something this funny.

Thanks guys, I couldn't do this without you.

The Douche Bag Responds

I received an email from the one and only Dinesh D'souza in response to yesterday's post.


I admit it, Dinesh: you got me. My post wasn't exactly logical. I sacrificed cogent reasoning and took analytical short cuts in my quest for humor. Hell, that wasn't really even the ontological argument. But here's the thing, Dinesh: It was funny. And the strange thing is, your stuff is also chock full of logical errors, poor reasoning and deliberately dishonest arguments. I can only assume that you, like me, aren't really serious. The problem is, Dinesh -- and I hate to be the one to break this to you – you’re not funny.

But take heart, friend. Maybe there's an opening at the Half Hour News Hour for you. I'm almost positive that being funny is a not a requirement for employment there.

Dinesh D’Souza: Ontological Douche Bag.

Never one to pass up the chance to exploit a national tragedy for his own twisted agenda, Dinesh D’Souza’s latest diatribe lambastes atheists for being unable to find meaning in the Virginia Tech shootings. He says atheists simply can’t explain that level of ghastly horror. Well, I’m going to take him up on his challenge by examining a source of awfulness a little closer to home: The douche bag that is Dinesh D’Souza.

Impossible you say, there is no way to find meaning in D’Souza’s contemptible shtick. Damn it, this is an important experiment, just hear me out.

You see, I have a theory that Dinesh’s mind bogglingly repulsive behavior is actually part of a heroic plan to sacrifice his own human decency to prove the existence of God through his version of the ontological argument.

As far as I can tell the argument goes something like this:

Premise 1. I can imagine the most perfectly reprehensible vindictive douche bag there is.

Premise 2. Dinesh D’Souza actually is the most perfectly reprehensible vindictive douche bag that it is possible to imagine.

Premise 3. Only a perfect creator could create such a perfect douche bag.

Premise 4. Dinesh D’Souza exists.

Conclusion: God must therefore exist because of the utter perfection of Dinesh D’Souza’s douche baggery.

Sadly, the ontological argument actually doesn’t prove anything other than the contents of one’s own mind, so the only thing D’Souza ends up proving is that, in his mind, God is as big a douche bag as he is.

The Amazing Powers of Alberto the Great

The Senate Judiciary Committee's grilling of Alberto Gonzales provided fascinating insight into what the Attorney General believes his job as Attorney General actually entails. We at Project M learned a lot about what is included among the many duties of our country's top law enforcement official. Bucky and I managed to compile the following:

Included: Delegation - the only skill you'll ever need

Once you get to be Attorney General, you are the top dog. You needn’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff. From now on, all major decisions can be made by your staff. You need not have any knowledge of the decisions they make, the process behind those decisions, nor why there is even a need for the decisions in the first place.

Not Included: Having a Clue

No need to sweat when your Chief of Staff contradicts you under oath, you are far too clever to panic! The firing of the U.S. attorneys was a "plan you never liked" kind of like Dr. Evil's quest for sharks with laser beams on their heads. Don't these imbeciles at the Senate understand the burden of proof for your incompetence is in their hands? Your hands were tied. You were absolutely compelled to execute a "bad plan" from unknown decision makers you do not recall; you're only the Attorney General, it's not like you could just make the decision yourself.

Included: Early On-set Alzheimer's Disease

The lack of any recall faculty is an asset by which you can claim not remember meetings documented by your schedule, articles you wrote, statements you made, press conferences you held, whether or not your shoes are untied, your mother's maiden name, or the very definition of the duties of the Justice Department. The Department that you are apparently leading without your knowledge.

Included: Poof! Magic!

At the Justice Department, decisions are made by a combination of divine intervention and Scooby Doo criminal chicanery. In Gonzo world, purge lists aren’t made by “people.” They simply appear, wholly assembled, out of thin air and are passed down to phantom administrative minions for implementation without anyone knowing why, while Karl Rove runs around in the background, dressed in a pterodactyl outfit, making spooky noises and frantically deleting e-mails. And they woulda gotten away with it too- if it wasn't for you meddling Bloggers!


Included: Non-Verbal Communication with Other Humans

Once you reach Operating Thetan Level: AG, you no longer need to audibly converse with other beings. Gonzales repeatedly expressed "shock and awe" at the revelation that U.S. Attorney Carol Lam felt blindsided by her firing after all independent accounts verified her superior performance as U.S. Attorney representing San Diego.

Sure, Gonzales never spoke directly to her, nor did anyone in the Justice Department mention to her the “immigration” cases that supposedly warranted her dismissal. Gonzo simply used the awesome power of his mind to feel engrams of disapproval at Ms. Lam. Sadly it seems only Sen. Orrin Hatch’s mind was receptive enough to “receive” Mr. Gonzales telepathic powers.

Not Included: Vulcan Mind Meld

Ms. Lam is not the only one immune the great Gonzo’s mental abilities. He has all the answers up there in his noggin but can’t impart that knowledge directly to Senators unless their name rhymes with "snorin". Instead he must use the outdated technology of “words” to communicate. He knows why he did what he did even if he can’t, at this moment, find in his mind where those reasons might be, for actions he doesn’t recall doing. And he would have done things differently, if he did things, since whatever he did he can't recall, but he knows that it wasn't improper, and he'd still like to get to the bottom of that thing he didn't do. “Words” are woefully inadequate to make sense of that. If only Spock were here.

Not Included: The Unyielding Support of "The Decider"

While you frantically gasp for air during your testimony to the mean busybodies of the Senate, the Decider crawled out of his bubble long enough to express his unwavering support. That's a Heckuva Kiss of Death. Will 'Berto keep his job? Well, as the great Rummsfeld once said "there are known unknowns that are unknowable knowns." Like the Donald before you, you are the only man for the job. Until you’re not. Loyalty is a one way street Fredo. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.