“The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men Often Go Astray”

I went out drinking with some friends last week and spent much of the time listening to a friend of friend spin an elaborate web of conspiracy theories. Several beers had been consumed by that point, and I couldn’t keep track of it all. The best I can hope for is to remember how the world lined up on the ol’ Good and Evil flow chart.

Evil

The Federal Government

Ms. Magazine

Democracy

The CIA

Child Protective Services

Military Industrial Complex

China

Women’s Suffrage

Marriage Licenses

Birth Certificates

Vaccinations

Taxes

Christianity

Al Gore

The 9/11 “cover up”

Good

The Founding Fathers

Gold

The Free Market

I forget what his moral was. Perhaps he was simply angry that the Feds were attempting to regulate the sale of his miniature gold statues of Alexander Hamilton. None of this was new to me though. Growing up in Utah, I’m no stranger to conspiracy theories. La Verkin, Utah once tried to pass a city ordinance outlawing the U.N., completely thwarting that bastard Kofi Anan’s plan to institute one world government by taking over La Verkin’s precious sheep resources. I’ve had my fill of trying to reason with these people, and normally I don’t waste much mental energy attempting to refute these things, but the 9/11 ones really bother me. As a joke, my brother sent me this film “Zeitgeist” where it explains how 9/11 was really a plot by the military industrial complex to get whatever it wanted from the U.S. Government. Think about that for one second. 9/11 was after Bush/Cheney were already elected. Let's examine why that is significant in the form of a one act play

Act 1

Scene 1

January 2, 2001. The shadowy head of the Military industrial complex enters the oval office.

Shadowy Head of the Military Industrial Complex: "Hey, can we have everything we’ve ever wanted?"

President Cheney: "Sure."

Finis

What bothers me about this stuff isn’t how flawed their arguments are, it’s that so much time and energy goes into exposing the non-existence crime of the "9/11 cover up" when we had an actual documented conspiracy to start a war in Iraq, and no one has been held accountable for it. To justify it’s chosen invasion of Iraq, the government, lied to us, spied on us, manufactured evidence, broke the law, and tortured American citizens. All of this has been openly admitted, or is supported by mountains of evidence. Where’s the conspiracy love? Why can’t Iraq get some crazy theory action?

I have a hypothesis as to why this is. Iraq proves just how unbelievably difficult an actual conspiracy is. Here you did have supremely powerful forces. They had a specific plan to remake the entire Middle East. They were willing and able to break any and all laws to achieve their plan. They were willing to lie to the media, the military, and the American people to justify and drum up support for their plan.

And what happened? It blew up in their face.

Reality interceded. The most powerful nation on earth was brought to its knees by 14 year olds with I.E.D.s

What the Iraq debacle proves is how chaotic and uncontrollable the world truly is. But that is exactly what conspiracy theorists don’t want to hear. That’s odd thing about them: they want the world to be controlled by dark and sinister forces. They want to be assured that everything is always planned, even if the plan is a diabolical one. That belief does two things: it both explains and excuses their own powerlessness, and it prevents them from having to confront what they really fear. Not that an evil cabal is running the world, but that maybe no one is.

That’s the truth that’s really terrifying.

"See Dick Run"

He's neither here nor there. Depending on his mood, he is both in and not in his undisclosed location. He has no formal power, yet he's been running our government for six years. Our primitive journalistic techniques will never be able to precisely locate where the fuck he is in our system of government. He is the unstable particle of a radioactively decaying Presidency.

He is: Dick Cheney: Quantum Douche Bag.

Yes, Dick Cheney claims he exists in some metaphysical constitutional limbo. He claims to be neither within the legislative nor executive branch - but a governmental entity unto himself. He is a shadow, a vapor, a fog enveloping the Constitution in darkness, unknowable, untraceable, and unaccountable.

Essentially, he has anointed himself, the fourth branch of government. This theory has been laughed off as ridiculously absurd by most of the mainstream media (What is he, part of the legislexecutive branch? Does he think that we are all five years old?) Unfortunately, this turn of events is not quite as funny as it should be. It serves to highlight the tragicomedy we are all living through in America where Cheney's other equally laughable claims—that the President is above the law, that secrecy equals democracy, that patriotism requires only silent obedience—have been treated far too seriously by the U.S. press.

The fact that we even debated (much less implemented) the deranged theories of this cruel, paranoid, dishonest sociopath will stain our nation for a long time to come. But like a rabid dog stuck in a corner, Dick is scared. Whatever fucking position this Evil Emperor claims he occupies in the U.S. government is going to end very soon, and with it whatever claims of immunity he has - no matter how ridiculous.

You see, Dick has been a bad, bad boy. He is the heart of darkness within this administration, and he knows the time of reckoning for his sins is near. How to get out of that trap? Simple - see Dick shred evidence. Cheney's actions aren't crazy. They're all too sane, and all too familiar. He will lie, cheat, and stonewall, like he's always done, and count on everyone to back off, as they always have.

We must not let that happen. All of his dark secrets must come to light. It will be unpleasant, shining a flashlight on a roach motel always is - but if this country our ever going to recover from Cheneyism, we must know exactly how we turned to the dark side. Darth Cheney's story must be told, even if it means siting through the Democrats doing their best impersonation of Jar Jar Binks.

No Confidence in Current Events

Okay, I knew that this week was going to suck after suffering through "The Sopranos" series finale on HBO Sunday night.
Not only was that episode totally bogus but I've had the very unpleasant side effect of that stupid Journey song being stuck in my head ALL WEEK LONG! David Chase is not a genius, just another sadistic asshole like our President, accountable to no one.
Then, on Monday the much anticipated Gonzales "No confidence" vote goes down in flames, and Gonzo lives to fuck up another day. Tuesday revealed that Hilary is polling ahead among single women and young women - the two demographics LEAST likely to actually vote in any election.
On Wednesday, the Middle East was back in flames with the destruction of a revere red Shiite mosque in Baghdad. I ran a 5k, suffered through corporate consultants subjecting our entire office to "productivity personality tests," got a parking ticket, picked a fight with an evangelical Mother over school vouchers, and forgot to pay my water bill. By Thursday morning things were looking a little brighter with Scooter Libby actually going to jail (at least until the pardon) Paris Hilton is still in jail, and Bush's approval ratings sticking at an all-time low. Can't wait for tomorrow's document dump! We could end the week on a high note after all.

Celebrities are Criminals too!

Not since O.J.'s fateful ride in the White Bronco has our pathetic "mainstream" media been collectively drooling at the prospect of non-stop coverage of a celebrity perp walk. Even CNN International has apparently decided to drop the facade that they still cover serious News, and resume live coverage of the order of Paris Hilton back to jail; or rather Judge Michael T. Sauer's attempt to order Paris back to jail, since we all know by now that rich blondes can't really be expected to actually sit in jail for breaking LAWS that apply only to mere mortals.

And Marx is calling for offsides!

This doesn't have anything to do with anything and there's probably only about twenty other people in the world with the right combination of nerdiness to think this is funny, but what the hell.

Democrats snatch defeat from the jaws of victory

They blinked. I guess we shouldn't be surprised. Blinking is what they do best. The Democratic congress just ended their Mexican stand off with President Bush over the war funding bill. They backed down even though Bush was holding a toy water pistol and they were holding a .357 Magnum. Unbelievable. It takes a special kind of jelly fish to not to take a stand that is morally correct, strategically critical, and politically popular. It s a catastrophic failure of the very first order.

Congratulations Harry Reid! After months of acting tough, you've revealed your self as the eunuch you are. We needed Churchill and you gave us Tom Daschle II: The Quickening. Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Apparently Democrats can't even remember five years ago. Remember Dasch's brilliant strategy of caving in to the President on the war and then hitting on him hard on domestic issues? Remember how that turned out? Apparently Reid and Pelosi don't.

Trading little victories for a big loss results in guess what? A big loss. That's all that anyone will take away from this sorry episode. You can't ignore the eight hundred pound gorilla in the room and expect everyone to be happy that you got a new puppy, no matter how cute it is. As always, Kieith Olberman says it all better than we ever could.


Bush is a bully. He always has been. He always will be. The only way to deal with a bully is to hit him back. Hard. Not pretend to hit him. Not talk about hitting him. Jesus Christ Harry, the whole school is in your corner cheering you on and the principal just gave you a pair of brass knuckles. HIT THE FUCKER!

Well if they won't hit somebody I will. I will hit them. Call your Rep. Call Harry. Call Nancy. This was the existential moment for this congress. They failed. Make sure they know that.

Plan "Mitt" from Outer Space

Mitt Romney has pulled ahead of John McCain in the ever tightening race for “who can make the most bizarre boneheaded statements in a single primary campaign.”

Mitt’s been trying his best but, clearly had a steep hill to climb after McCain decided to turn nuclear war in the mid-east into his own private Broadway musical.

Romney’s no quitter though. He may have just fired the most impressive salvo yet in the Republican war of “anything you can do I can do dumber.” When a reporter recently asked what was his favorite novel of all time, the wannabee Republican nominee answered "Battlefield Earth" by L. Ron Hubbard.

Yep, you heard right the Mormon candidate's favorite work of fiction is - the Scientologist's Bible. Just when you are trying to convince middle America that you are NOT a member of a wacky religious cult you admit that you love
literature written by - the controversial founder of America's wackiest religious cult. And as a bonus, you have now forever associated yourself with Tom Cruise and John Travolta in gold dread locks. Nice! Nothing says “Presidential” like dreadlocks and nose rings.

I guess when your name is synonymous with a baseball glove your lack of dazzling intellect is bound to catch up with you. However, Romney has inspired us here at Project M. Who is wackier? Scientology? Mormonism? It’s a battle we feel obligated to resolve.

America deserves nothing less.

Tune in next week for the stunning conclusion.