A Brilliant Idea Which Will Fix Everything

One of my favorite things about American politics is the Punditocracy's resignation to ridiculousness. Fundamentally unjust and undemocratic aspects of our political system are treated like a wacky uncle at Thanksgiving dinner. "Isn't the electoral college just zany in way that removes power from the public at large and places it the hands of "swing states" and unaccountable electors intentionally unbound to those who voted for them? Ha, and now it's spilled it's wine again. What a nut!"

On caucus eve, I can almost hear Chris Mathews giggle as yet again world energy policy will be held hostage to the economic desires of a handful of Iowa farmers who are irrationally given a massively disproportionate influence on the national politics of the most powerful nation on earth. Oh, the wackiness

I have a idea: let's not do that.

Now is the time for change as other states have finally taken a look a Iowa and said "Hey I'd like a massive disproportionate influence on national politics too!" and have threatened to move their primaries as early in the election cycle as Inauguration Day.

Luckily, I have a solution.

I present to you: The Primary Draft Lottery

It's a little bit of the NBA draft, a little bit American Idol, and a little bit of genuine democracy.

On January 3rd of each election year both Parties hold a lottery to see which 3 states will go first in the the primary. But the draft is weighted; the higher your state's voter turn out rate, the better their chances of winning.

The three lottery primaries begin the first week February with a week between each. After that, you have four regional primaries with the order of each again determined by the voter turnout rate of each region.

So, what would the Lottery accomplish?

1. The early primaries return to their function as a screening/getting to know you process rather than the current "We hold more power than God" status. Candidates will not be able to saturate the early States or put all their eggs in one basket. Sure each State will have it's particular issues but they will no longer have utter blackmail ability Iowa currently enjoys with ethanol. National elections will be truly about national issues. Remarkable!

2. It cuts the length and cost of campaigns. No longer will the media be able to cram as much useless crap down our throats two years before and election because the just won't have a much to work with. The crucial details are unknown. And since the campaign season necessarily starts later and finishes quicker, primary campaigns become cheaper and Mitt Romney won't be able to waste 1.3 billion dollars to lose Iowa, thus saving his great-grandchildren from a jetski-less existence.

3. Create a little excitement and motivation for every state. Who wouldn't tune in to see which state goes first? Which state party wouldn't amp up their voter drives in hopes of increasing their odds? It sprinkles in a little bit sports and pop culture and almost makes politics - fun! Parish the thought.

So, as you watch the returns role in tonight, keep in mind no matter who wins, it's high time to admit our crazy uncle primary system has moved beyond quirky and endearing, and crossed over into dangerous irresponsibility. We need to do the mature, difficult thing and and take away the keys before somebody drives America into a tree.

GOP Questions Legitimacy of Kitten “Cuteness”

After successfully defending the nation from the threat posed by sick children, Republican operatives today attacked the Democratic Party for what it called a “Pre-911” mindset toward the adorability of kittens. Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell cited what he referred to as shocking and appalling naiveté exhibited by the Democratic Leadership towards kittens endearing tendencies to chase string and pounce on brightly colored objects.

“Can’t they see the murderous intent in the eyes of Mr. Whiskers? I find it amazing that the Democratic Party is more concerned with protecting animal loving extremists than they are with safe guarding the Homeland against these blood thirsty felines. Did Siegfried and Roy teach us nothing as a nation?” Right-wing bloggers picked up the theme posting pictures of alleged kitten atrocities including several dead mice, and a lizard missing its tail, as well as posting the home addresses of several of the cutest and deadliest kittens. Staffers in McConnel’s office also stated that the "Anti-Kitten" proposal was only one part of the GOP's efforts to win back the hearts and minds of voters and suggested that he may offer a resolution in the fall condemning the Dickens character "Tiny Tim" for his appearance in a MoveOn.org ad.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men: Part II

A few weeks ago I went to the see the the Italian film "La Strada" by Frederico Fellini. The plot revolves around the sweetly naive, clownishly angelic Gelsomina whose family marries her off to the brutish Zampano: a cirus strong man traveling with his ramshackle one-man show from village to village. Eventually one of Zampano's drunken rampages lands him in jail and Gelsomina, free for the first time in her life seeks the advice of Zampano's impish rival known only as "The Fool" to help her choose between staying with Zampano, or fleeing with another traveling circus. Though "The Fool" never clearly offers her a path, he assures her that everything has a purpose. Even the smallest pebble resting beneath his shoe. Even Gelsomina. It is the one uplifting moment in an otherwise bleak film.

I hated it.

Nothing against the film itself. It just that I always hate it when people say, "there is a reason for everything." I realize that its supposed to be comforting and sweet, and I try not to hold it against people when they say it to me. I know their hearts are in the right place. But what they don't realize is that this kind talk is really no different from the conspiracy theorist's dark fantasies. Far from being some sort of profound wisdom, stating "everything has a purpose" is nothing more than the sentimentally optimistic side of the coin to the conspiracy theorist's paranoid need to impose a sinister order on a frighteningly uncertain universe.

People forget what "everything" includes. Everything means everything, including some of the most unpleasant and evil things you can possibly imagine. So when people say there are "reasons for everything" they are saying, there's a purpose behind child abuse, a meaning behind murder, a function behind genocide.

Of course they don't really mean that, but it's only intellectual laziness that keeps them confronting that very unpleasant consequence of what they say. And all too often they mean something very close to exactly that. I remember reading an article on Iraq, where a soldier was interviewed about an explosion that killed his comrade standing only feet away, but left him untouched. He replied that the experience had reinforced his belief in God's plan, stating that divine intervention is the only possible explanation for his survival. On one level he was simply asserting an unshakable faith that God had special plan for him, but on some level he had to understand he was equally asserting that God's plan was perfectly OK with his buddy being blown to a million pieces.

Like the conspiracy theorist's secret world controlling cabal, the soldier is using "divine intervention" to keep at bay what he fears most: That there is no order to the universe, that there is no good reason whatsoever why he survived instead of his buddy. To confront that fact would be to acknowledge that it could have been him; that his death could be just as random, instant, and unavoidable as his fellow soldier's was.

The arbitrary nature of mortality is a hard fact to confront and it's application isn't limited to soldiers on the front line. It can be utterly paralyzing if you look it straight in the eye and I can understand why people perform so many mental gymnastics to avoid dealing with it. What perplexes me is that those gymnastics can lead to much more dangerous and difficult places than the admittedly hard challenge of simply confronting the chaos of life head on. Like most things in life, the consequences of avoiding difficulties are usually worse than the difficulties themselves.

The question remains though: how do you accept the uncertainty that rules our existence and still retain the courage to move forward? I will attempt to tackle that question in Part III of this discussion, but for now - I'll leave you with a piece of wisdom from two of my favorite philosophers.

File under: I Wonder What Canada Is Like This Time of Year?

In any sane country this would be front page news and the President would be forced to resign in disgrace. However in the good ol' U.S. of A., yet another confirmation that our President took us to war based on the discredited ramblings of a pathologically dishonest drunken ex-cabdriver while ignoring CIA vetted information from the highest sources within the Iraq government has to make way for a detailed examination of exactly how wide Senator Criag's bathroom stance could reasonably be.

God Bless America.

"No Proof of Wrong"

Ding Dong - Gonzo's Gone! Project M is still celebrating yesterday's resignation of Attorney General Alberto "Fredo" Gonzales. Finally, the most corrupt and incompetent Attorney General this country has ever seen threw in the towel on his portion of the Bush Administration's chicken fight with Congress. I must admit, I didn't think it was gonna happen. Even Slate magazine took down their Gonzo watch earlier this summer based on the discouraging signs that Gonzo would never surrender. Tellingly, the Decider did not comment on the resignation with Fredo at his side, but did spit out this classic “This is a man who has testified, he’s sent thousands of papers up there. There’s no proof of wrong.”
Taking aside the traditional Bush grammatical massacre, it's as if Bush is daring Congress,taunting them to "catch" him and his band of criminals. It's "Na, Na Na, - You got Nothing on me!" It represents the administration's attitude perfectly - that they can skate above the law (or entirely decimate it) trample the Constitution and generally engage in whatever version of morality they want because their opponents technically "got nothing" on them.
And this talking point has worked in the past. The Right Wing noise machine was already in over-drive on the media coverage yesterday, moaning about "What crime did Gonzales actually commit here?" But this technique (already overplayed from the Valerie Plame scandal) faces some very "pesky" facts with everyone from Monica Goodling, to FBI Director Robert Muller contradicting Fredo, and irrefutably revealing his status as a serial perjurer. That Bush finally did throw his beloved Fredo overboard, signifies that despite his very public bravado, Congress is closing in.

Although elated, I'm also a little wary of the timing on this one - it's not looking as pretty the morning after. After all, Turd Blossom and Fredo resigning within mere weeks of each other - what diabolical recess appointment could possibly be in the works? I'm sure Democrats will find a spectacular way to squander their momentum here (probably by immediately confirming some other retarded Bush water carrier like Chertoff as his replacement).

Nevertheless, Project M must rejoice in whatever semi-victory lap the cosmos throws our way however brief. It has put a smug smile on my face the past two days and an extra spring in my step (although when I tried to explain why - I get the usual "Alberto who?" from my co-workers). Sigh. God Bless America indeed.

Gonzolas Resigns to Spend More Time Not Recalling His Family

Alberto Gonzales announced that he is stepping down today to spend more not remembering crucial information about his family. In a written statement the Attorney General claimed that he was proud of his misservice to the American people, and would look back fondly on the good work that he had profoundly undone during his tenor. "Though I am unable to confirm at this time whether or not the damage I have inflicted on the constitution and rule of law is permanent, I leave knowing that I have done all I can. Now I must resign from public life, so I can devote my time to throughly undermining the relationships I hold most dear: my wife, and presumably my children, if I have any, though I can not specially recall any of their names, ages, or locations, I can assure you that if they do exist, that they were raised in an appropriate fashion." Administration officials confirmed that his bubbling maladministration would be greatly missed, and his utter lack of leadership would be hard to replace. Still, they say that Mr. Gonzales is ready to begin the quite life of forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, and middle names, and hopes to one day have the opportunity to commit perjuy in a private civil matter

Desperately Seeking a New "Turd Blossom"

When Project M first heard the news this morning that Karl Rove had resigned "to spend more time with his family" we were shocked. "Karl Rove has a family? Do they know that?"

We'll let others compile lists of Karl's infamy. For us, there is a more pressing concern that needs to be addressed. Rove's resignation leaves a gaping hole in our national body politic that must filled immediately:

Who will the Democrats be irrationally terrified of now?

They must be devastated. The Democrats desperately needed Rove's alleged omnipotent "genius" to justify their instinct to wimp out at the first sign of ANY confrontation no matter how much the public/facts/law/human decency was on their side. Rove has been such an effective boogie man for so long, and the Democrats are such perfectly knee-jerk sissy pants, they were seemly made for each other. Rove was Lucy to their Charlie Brown, Jack Nicholson to their Shelly Duvall, Old Man Withers to their Scooby Doo.

Oh, what will the Dems do now? What will be their excuse the next time they down flush their principles down the toilet? That they had to - or else John Boehner will.. start crying again?

We feel it is truly the destiny of this Blog to help the Democrats in this hour of need. For the rest of the week, Project M will be taking suggestions for the new Democrat-pantswetter-in-chief and we'll announce the winner next week. I'll get this party started with our own top five suggestions

The Democratic Party will now shred the constitution at Cheney's whim because they are deathly afraid of....

1. Lactose

2. Mitt Romneny's Magic Underwear

3. The Number 13

4. Dennis Hastert's sweat stains

5. The the dreaded "Double Guantanamo"