“The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men Often Go Astray”

I went out drinking with some friends last week and spent much of the time listening to a friend of friend spin an elaborate web of conspiracy theories. Several beers had been consumed by that point, and I couldn’t keep track of it all. The best I can hope for is to remember how the world lined up on the ol’ Good and Evil flow chart.

Evil

The Federal Government

Ms. Magazine

Democracy

The CIA

Child Protective Services

Military Industrial Complex

China

Women’s Suffrage

Marriage Licenses

Birth Certificates

Vaccinations

Taxes

Christianity

Al Gore

The 9/11 “cover up”

Good

The Founding Fathers

Gold

The Free Market

I forget what his moral was. Perhaps he was simply angry that the Feds were attempting to regulate the sale of his miniature gold statues of Alexander Hamilton. None of this was new to me though. Growing up in Utah, I’m no stranger to conspiracy theories. La Verkin, Utah once tried to pass a city ordinance outlawing the U.N., completely thwarting that bastard Kofi Anan’s plan to institute one world government by taking over La Verkin’s precious sheep resources. I’ve had my fill of trying to reason with these people, and normally I don’t waste much mental energy attempting to refute these things, but the 9/11 ones really bother me. As a joke, my brother sent me this film “Zeitgeist” where it explains how 9/11 was really a plot by the military industrial complex to get whatever it wanted from the U.S. Government. Think about that for one second. 9/11 was after Bush/Cheney were already elected. Let's examine why that is significant in the form of a one act play

Act 1

Scene 1

January 2, 2001. The shadowy head of the Military industrial complex enters the oval office.

Shadowy Head of the Military Industrial Complex: "Hey, can we have everything we’ve ever wanted?"

President Cheney: "Sure."

Finis

What bothers me about this stuff isn’t how flawed their arguments are, it’s that so much time and energy goes into exposing the non-existence crime of the "9/11 cover up" when we had an actual documented conspiracy to start a war in Iraq, and no one has been held accountable for it. To justify it’s chosen invasion of Iraq, the government, lied to us, spied on us, manufactured evidence, broke the law, and tortured American citizens. All of this has been openly admitted, or is supported by mountains of evidence. Where’s the conspiracy love? Why can’t Iraq get some crazy theory action?

I have a hypothesis as to why this is. Iraq proves just how unbelievably difficult an actual conspiracy is. Here you did have supremely powerful forces. They had a specific plan to remake the entire Middle East. They were willing and able to break any and all laws to achieve their plan. They were willing to lie to the media, the military, and the American people to justify and drum up support for their plan.

And what happened? It blew up in their face.

Reality interceded. The most powerful nation on earth was brought to its knees by 14 year olds with I.E.D.s

What the Iraq debacle proves is how chaotic and uncontrollable the world truly is. But that is exactly what conspiracy theorists don’t want to hear. That’s odd thing about them: they want the world to be controlled by dark and sinister forces. They want to be assured that everything is always planned, even if the plan is a diabolical one. That belief does two things: it both explains and excuses their own powerlessness, and it prevents them from having to confront what they really fear. Not that an evil cabal is running the world, but that maybe no one is.

That’s the truth that’s really terrifying.