Wednesday, June 27, 2007

"See Dick Run"

He's neither here nor there. Depending on his mood, he is both in and not in his undisclosed location. He has no formal power, yet he's been running our government for six years. Our primitive journalistic techniques will never be able to precisely locate where the fuck he is in our system of government. He is the unstable particle of a radioactively decaying Presidency.

He is: Dick Cheney: Quantum Douche Bag.

Yes, Dick Cheney claims he exists in some metaphysical constitutional limbo. He claims to be neither within the legislative nor executive branch - but a governmental entity unto himself. He is a shadow, a vapor, a fog enveloping the Constitution in darkness, unknowable, untraceable, and unaccountable.

Essentially, he has anointed himself, the fourth branch of government. This theory has been laughed off as ridiculously absurd by most of the mainstream media (What is he, part of the legislexecutive branch? Does he think that we are all five years old?) Unfortunately, this turn of events is not quite as funny as it should be. It serves to highlight the tragicomedy we are all living through in America where Cheney's other equally laughable claims—that the President is above the law, that secrecy equals democracy, that patriotism requires only silent obedience—have been treated far too seriously by the U.S. press.

The fact that we even debated (much less implemented) the deranged theories of this cruel, paranoid, dishonest sociopath will stain our nation for a long time to come. But like a rabid dog stuck in a corner, Dick is scared. Whatever fucking position this Evil Emperor claims he occupies in the U.S. government is going to end very soon, and with it whatever claims of immunity he has - no matter how ridiculous.

You see, Dick has been a bad, bad boy. He is the heart of darkness within this administration, and he knows the time of reckoning for his sins is near. How to get out of that trap? Simple - see Dick shred evidence. Cheney's actions aren't crazy. They're all too sane, and all too familiar. He will lie, cheat, and stonewall, like he's always done, and count on everyone to back off, as they always have.

We must not let that happen. All of his dark secrets must come to light. It will be unpleasant, shining a flashlight on a roach motel always is - but if this country our ever going to recover from Cheneyism, we must know exactly how we turned to the dark side. Darth Cheney's story must be told, even if it means siting through the Democrats doing their best impersonation of Jar Jar Binks.