Thursday, March 13, 2008

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Mitt Romney Vows to Eat Bug

As last ditch effort in an ever tightening Florida Primary, Mitt vowed to eat a bug if you will vote for him. Romney highlighted his years in the business community doing whatever is necessary to please the customer and promised to apply that same experience his campaign, up to and including eating a live insect. "Voters in this state want change, I am the man to give it them. And should the voters want me to eat this beetle, then I will do so with a smile on my face. Really. I totally will." Romney went on to criticize his rivals John McCain and Mike Huckabee for their unwillingness to commit to eating anything the people want them to, saying that it exposed their lack of commitment to this great nation and whatever juvenile stunts happen to amuse it. "For too long Washington has ignored the will of the American people. And I have noticed that will sometimes includes the desire to watch people eat bugs on television. I make a solemn vow, that if America will elect me there president, I will eat any bug that it asks of me. Yes, even that creepy looking green one over there." Political strategists were unsure if the bold move would be enough to deliver Florida into the Romney camp, though he was said to be close to receiving the endorsement of Johnny Knoxville. Romney refused to comment on what his post Florida strategy might be, but campaign revealed that are considering a Super Tuesday blockbuster that may involve their candidate licking a toilet seat.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Hillary Set to Become the 1st Woman to Lose the Presidency

After her victory in the Nevada Caucus, Hillary Clinton inched ever closer to her historic goal of becoming the first woman to ever lose the Presidential Election. "I can't believe it", said Hillary Supporter Elaine Chavez from Reno "It's so exciting, we've never had woman lose before. I can't wait until she actually gets to be defeated by John McCain!" Many Hillary supporters explained their support by noting the fact that past Democratic Presidential Losers had always been men, and they felt it was high time a women broke through the "Glass Ceiling of Failure." Clinton supporter Gloria Steinem cited the revolutionary candidate's potential "Surely Hillary can run a presidential campaign that can be every bit as feckless, calculated, uninspiring as John Kerry, Al Gore, or even Adlai Stevenson!" Ms. Steinem went on to explain that with Hillary's high negatives, a campaign dominated by soulless corporate lobbyists, and Ms. Clinton's unique ability to unite an otherwise fractured Republican party, there was an excellent chance she could become the Democrat Party's biggest loser since Walter Mondale. "Let's face facts" said political analyst Mark Sheilds, "The Democratic Party is in terrible danger of winning this election. The failures and scandals of the last Republican administration exposed a weak, bitter, and divided Republican Party thus creating a treacherous environment for Democrats where virtually anyone they nominate would be a shoe in to win the White House." Confronted with such a hopeless scenario, Democratic voters responded with confusion and the early primaries had been relatively close. However, Sheilds pointed out that in the end, there was only one candidate in the entire field who could deliver the two things that matter most to democratic voters: meaningless token gestures rather actual political change, and of course, crushing electoral defeat

Thursday, January 3, 2008

A Brilliant Idea Which Will Fix Everything

One of my favorite things about American politics is the Punditocracy's resignation to ridiculousness. Fundamentally unjust and undemocratic aspects of our political system are treated like a wacky uncle at Thanksgiving dinner. "Isn't the electoral college just zany in way that removes power from the public at large and places it the hands of "swing states" and unaccountable electors intentionally unbound to those who voted for them? Ha, and now it's spilled it's wine again. What a nut!"

On caucus eve, I can almost hear Chris Mathews giggle as yet again world energy policy will be held hostage to the economic desires of a handful of Iowa farmers who are irrationally given a massively disproportionate influence on the national politics of the most powerful nation on earth. Oh, the wackiness

I have a idea: let's not do that.

Now is the time for change as other states have finally taken a look a Iowa and said "Hey I'd like a massive disproportionate influence on national politics too!" and have threatened to move their primaries as early in the election cycle as Inauguration Day.

Luckily, I have a solution.

I present to you: The Primary Draft Lottery

It's a little bit of the NBA draft, a little bit American Idol, and a little bit of genuine democracy.

On January 3rd of each election year both Parties hold a lottery to see which 3 states will go first in the the primary. But the draft is weighted; the higher your state's voter turn out rate, the better their chances of winning.

The three lottery primaries begin the first week February with a week between each. After that, you have four regional primaries with the order of each again determined by the voter turnout rate of each region.

So, what would the Lottery accomplish?

1. The early primaries return to their function as a screening/getting to know you process rather than the current "We hold more power than God" status. Candidates will not be able to saturate the early States or put all their eggs in one basket. Sure each State will have it's particular issues but they will no longer have utter blackmail ability Iowa currently enjoys with ethanol. National elections will be truly about national issues. Remarkable!

2. It cuts the length and cost of campaigns. No longer will the media be able to cram as much useless crap down our throats two years before and election because the just won't have a much to work with. The crucial details are unknown. And since the campaign season necessarily starts later and finishes quicker, primary campaigns become cheaper and Mitt Romney won't be able to waste 1.3 billion dollars to lose Iowa, thus saving his great-grandchildren from a jetski-less existence.

3. Create a little excitement and motivation for every state. Who wouldn't tune in to see which state goes first? Which state party wouldn't amp up their voter drives in hopes of increasing their odds? It sprinkles in a little bit sports and pop culture and almost makes politics - fun! Parish the thought.

So, as you watch the returns role in tonight, keep in mind no matter who wins, it's high time to admit our crazy uncle primary system has moved beyond quirky and endearing, and crossed over into dangerous irresponsibility. We need to do the mature, difficult thing and and take away the keys before somebody drives America into a tree.